Lately I'm finding myself yearning for the past. Thats putting it lightly actually. Its this intense need to search for pieces of me that once were. Its like I'm hunting for salvage parts to my heart. Trying to put back together what I once was. Before heartbreak, before adulthood set in and things became soberingly real.
Its not one specific time in my life that my heart is relentlessly craving. Its several. Its certain people. Its towns I spent time in, its music I listened to, its a certain country road that smells like mint in the summertime, and evening drives with my mom on that road, its the way cigarettes tasted when I was 18, its the way that boy sang to me in the kitchen that night when I was 19, its how kissing felt, its how my hands would shake just thinking about being alone with him, its sitting on that bench after work at the coffee shop thinking up poems waiting for my ride, its the frightening, awe inspiring emotions of youth, and the way the world seemed then.
How everything was fresh and new. How hurt stung more, and happy felt better. Oh the purity of hindsight. I am craving who I used to be. I know I am remembering through rose colored glasses but I cant help it. Those are the things that stand out. And those are the things I miss. Everything was vivid.
I feel as if I'm living in a fog those days. Nothing is a fun as it once was. I'm going through the motions. Feeling hardly anything. I am hiding from life. From my friends. I don't feel connected to anyone really. Even my boyfriend. He loves me. I love him. But its all so boring. What happened to being IN LOVE?? What ever happened to romance and excitement? To breaking in to abandoned buildings and scaling bridges just to toss flowers in to the river below? Where did my ability to feel things go? Whatever happened to my heart?
Does anyone else feel like this? Or is it just me?
lovely
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